May 222012
 

I have a never-ending rotation of children’s songs playing… because even when they are not actually playing they are playing in my head.  Over and over… and over and over and over again.  Have you ever listened to these songs?  Not just mindlessly sung along until you want to blow your brains out, but really listened?  Who the fuck writes these songs?  And what the hell do they mean?

The Farmer in the Dell sounds like a Sunday Afternoon Movie on TLC.  “The Farmer takes the wife.  The wife takes the Child.  The nurse takes the dog.”  Taking them where?  To the Dell?  The Dell sounds like the bottom of a deserted well to me. Kidnapping might be a good subject for a story used to scare your kids into holding your hand in a public place.  Children’s song?  Not so much.

Ring Around the Rosie?  I am pretty sure that I learned somewhere this song is about the Plague.  Regardless, “Ashes, Ashes, we all fall down,”  is never a good way to end anything.

– When It’s Raining, It’s Pouring, it’s bad enough that kid’s recess is ruined by the rain and they have to stay inside and play “Heads Up, 7-Up” (I totally cheated in that game by looking at shoes, btw)  But then we have to scare the kids by telling them about snoring old men who bump their heads and couldn’t get up in the morning.  Even a 5-year-old can decode that riddle and know that the dude is dead.  I wonder how long he laid in bed before someone found him.  Probably a long time if it was raining so hard.

– Dr. Monkey Mom, if your little monkey bumped his head and the doctor’s best advice is “No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed,”   then get a new doctor.  Or at least a second opinion.  Concussions are no joke.  And for god’s sake, don’t let the rest of the little monkeys keep jumping on the bed and falling off and bumping their heads one by one.  NOT.  GOOD. PARENTING.

What other upbeat, on-message children’s songs am I missing?