Nobody is perfect. Anyone who has ever read this blog can attest to the fact that I am not even close. However, it seems to be some unspoken mommy code that when in public, one must cling to the appearance of parental perfection. But I am no actress (I can’t even fake an orgasm, just ask my college boyfriend) and all this pretending is just exhausting. So today I am just going to put it all out there and confess a few of my Parenting Sins – heinous crimes so terrible that parents are never supposed to reveal them for fear of being ostracized from playgrounds and Mommy and Me Yoga groups everywhere.
Judgy Judgerson’s out there: Rejoice. You are going to have a field day with this one. But for the rest of you who are a) actual parents b) live in the real world and c) are tired of trying to pretend you are perfect, I hope this comes as a relief to know that you aren’t the only “horrible parent” out there. If these sins send me to Parenting Purgatory, so be it. I’ll be there eating non-organic, sugar laden-junk food and watching reality TV, if any other parents care to join.
So without further ado, here are 7 of my Deadly Parenting Sins. Judge away!
1) I sometimes let Dora the Explorer babysit my daughter while I work, make dinner or just take a little break from the rigors of hostage-style negotiations with a toddler.
2) You know how kids throw food on the floor and when you are in public you tell them that it’s yucky and then make a big show of throwing it away? When I am in the privacy of my own home, I sometimes dust it off and give it back. Especially if it is a valuable (as in: last) snack. 5 second rule, right?
3) I lose my patience all the time. I sometimes have to leave the room so I don’t explode. Sometimes I explode anyway. I am working on it.
4) I laugh when my daughter repeats curse words or says other inappropriate phrases. My daughter used to say fuck instead of fork and I would think of any excuse to get her to say fork. “Lyla, what do you use to eat your pasta? A what? What was that?” Hey, it’s funny. Sue me.
5) Some days I count the minutes until nap time or bed time. I love spending time with my daughter, but I also like eating, showering and peeing – none of which I can do while she is awake. Without question, my two favorite times of the day are when she wakes up and when she goes to sleep.
6) I can get a bit lazy with meals. Here’s the deal: I buy organic everything. I cram fruit and vegetables down her throat. I make sure that she gets all her food groups every day. But most days, by the time we get to dinner, I am tired. I also know that I have to cook another dinner for my husband and I. So my daughter eats a variation of the following things most nights: pasta with tomato sauce and some kind of vegetables, pasta with cheese sauce and some kind of vegetable or baked chicken nuggets with sweet potato fries. Throw in the occasional quesadilla, sandwich or leftovers from Mommy and Daddy’s dinner and that pretty sums it up. This actually sounds like a delicious menu to me. I think she’s pretty damn lucky!
7) When it comes to clothing, sometimes my daughter’s comfort is slightly less important than the adorableness of a particular outfit. Hey, looking good isn’t always easy. Let’s just say that I am preparing her for the high heels and Spanx that will more than likely be in her uncomfortable future. And don’t even get me started on bikini waxes.
So there you go, my 7 Deadly Parenting Sins. Sure, there are more than 7, but these are the just the few that I have already committed today. See you in purgatory. I’ll be the one with the baker’s dozen of Sprinkles cupcakes, a bottle of Cabernet and huge damn smile.
Please feel free to share your Parenting Sins with me. No judgement here. Just a “cheers!” with my wineglass and a knowing smile.