May 022013
 
Hell yeah, I ate all the cupcakes!!

Hell yeah, I ate all the cupcakes!  And they were delicious!

5 Things I Have Eaten Recently:

1)  Queso dip, 5 layer bean dip and approximately a half pound of corn chips. As an appetizer.

2)  A smoothie made from greek yogurt, bananas, mango, pineapple and 3 different kinds of weird sprouts that made the smoothie crunchy.  All in a misguided attempt to counter-balance the bagel with cream cheese that I ate 10 minutes prior.

3)  Almost an entire box of dry Fiber One Chocolate cereal.  I will spare you the details but, please don’t ever do this!!!

4)  A cupcake.  Ok… three!!

5)  An entire jar of bread and butter pickles… which I don’t even really like.

 

5 Things I Have Cried About Recently

1)  That phone (or something) commercial where we see the little boy in all stages of his life, ending with him giving his mom a tour of his dorm room.  “It all goes so fast!! Sniffle, sniffle”

2)  Every single time I feel that my husband just “doesn’t understand me.” (ie. at least twice a week)

3)  A video of my daughter taking some of her first steps in our front yard.  She is smiling proudly as she drunkenly moves towards me on her wobbly little legs.  Her chubby fingers are laced in mine as… Oh crap… here we go again!

4)  The day I really wanted Mexican Food but Pinches Tacos was closed.  Ok, I didn’t actually cry, but I did get pretty teary-eyed.

5)  Any movie, tv show, commercial, webisode, viral video, or infomercial featuring a baby, toddler, small child, animal dressed to look like a small child, person with small features, midget or gymnast.

 

What does all of this mean????

I’m pregnant!!!!!
photo credit: FUNKYAH via photopin cc

Apr 042013
 

Nobody is perfect.  Anyone who has ever read this blog can attest to the fact that I am not even close. However, it seems to be some unspoken mommy code that when in public, one must cling to the appearance of parental perfection. But I am no actress (I can’t even fake an orgasm, just ask my college boyfriend) and all this pretending is just exhausting. So today I am just going to put it all out there and confess a few of my Parenting Sins – heinous crimes so terrible that parents are never supposed to reveal them for fear of being ostracized from playgrounds and Mommy and Me Yoga groups everywhere.

Judgy Judgerson’s out there:  Rejoice.  You are going to have a field day with this one.  But for the rest of you who are a) actual parents b) live in the real world and c) are tired of trying to pretend you are perfect, I hope this comes as a relief to know that you aren’t the only “horrible parent” out there.  If these sins send me to Parenting Purgatory, so be it. I’ll be there eating non-organic, sugar laden-junk food and watching reality TV, if any other parents care to join.

So without further ado, here are 7 of my Deadly Parenting Sins.  Judge away!

1)  I sometimes let Dora the Explorer babysit my daughter while I work, make dinner or just take a little break from the rigors of hostage-style negotiations with a toddler.

2)  You know how kids throw food on the floor and when you are in public you tell them that it’s yucky and then make a big show of throwing it away?  When I am in the privacy of my own home, I sometimes dust it off and give it back. Especially if it is a valuable (as in: last) snack. 5 second rule, right?

3)  I lose my patience all the time. I sometimes have to leave the room so I don’t explode. Sometimes I explode anyway. I am working on it.

4)  I laugh when my daughter repeats curse words or says other inappropriate phrases.  My daughter used to say fuck instead of fork and I would think of any excuse to get her to say fork.  “Lyla, what do you use to eat your pasta?  A what?  What was that?” Hey, it’s funny. Sue me.

5)  Some days I count the minutes until nap time or bed time.  I love spending time with my daughter, but I also like eating, showering and peeing – none of which I can do while she is awake.  Without question, my two favorite times of the day are when she wakes up and when she goes to sleep. 

6)  I can get a bit lazy with meals.  Here’s the deal:  I buy organic everything. I cram fruit and vegetables down her throat.  I make sure that she gets all her food groups every day.  But most days, by the time we get to dinner, I am tired. I also know that I have to cook another dinner for my husband and I. So my daughter eats a variation of the following things most nights:  pasta with tomato sauce and some kind of vegetables, pasta with cheese sauce and some kind of vegetable or baked chicken nuggets with sweet potato fries.  Throw in the occasional quesadilla, sandwich or leftovers from Mommy and Daddy’s dinner and that pretty sums it up. This actually sounds like a delicious menu to me. I think she’s pretty damn lucky!

7) When it comes to clothing, sometimes my daughter’s comfort is slightly less important than the adorableness of a particular outfit.  Hey, looking good isn’t always easy. Let’s just say that I am preparing her for the high heels and Spanx that will more than likely be in her uncomfortable future. And don’t even get me started on bikini waxes.

So there you go, my 7 Deadly Parenting Sins.  Sure, there are more than 7, but these are the just the few that I have already committed today.  See you in purgatory.  I’ll be the one with the baker’s dozen of Sprinkles cupcakes, a bottle of Cabernet and huge damn smile.

Please feel free to share your Parenting Sins with me.  No judgement here.  Just a “cheers!” with my wineglass and a knowing smile.

Cheers to "bad parenting"!!

Cheers to “bad parenting”!!

photo credit: Photogdan.com. Faving? Read the profile please. via photopin cc

 

Apr 012013
 

I don’t know what it is, but today has been an unusually great day.  My daughter slept in until nearly 9 o’clock and I woke up feeling more rested than I have in years. My husband greeted me in bed with a cup of hot coffee and then told me that he had gotten up early and cleaned both the bathrooms. I had a healthy and delicious Kale smoothie for breakfast.  Then I took a long, hot bath where I deep conditioned my hair, shaved 75% of my body and finally finished that book I have been reading for at least 2.5 years.

All my bills are paid, all my work is done, and I have crossed off all the items on my To Do list.  Actually I am kind of bored. (ps.this is the first time I have had time to be bored since 2001) Best of all, My daughter hasn’t thrown a single tantum all day!

Then I…

Oh,  forget it. If you believe even a word of this then

a)  Get a reality check.

b)  Check your Calendar.

Ahhhhh!!

Ahhhhh…  yeab right!

 

photo credit: Lotus Carroll via

Mar 252013
 

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up feeling tired, cranky and a bit ill, and then you are running your never-ending list of errands and you are distracted by your whining toddler in the backseat, who you can’t really see because she is turned away from you because it is safer for her to ride rear-facing until she is two and she is not two for a few more weeks.  Where was I?  Ah yes… so you are cranky and tired and your toddler is whining in the backseat, and you can’t quite see her but you are trying to calm her down anyway, and suddenly, just before the parking lot where you are supposed to turn in to do the grocery shopping that never ends, there is a car parked on the side of the road, but he is sticking out quite a bit, and you are driving your kinda-new giant mom-mobile that you are still not quite used to, and then before you realize what has happened, you have side-swiped that car that was parked on the side of the road but was slightly sticking out. Oh yeah, and that car that you side-swiped was a cop car.  And then your daughter wisely chimes in from the backseat, “Uh-oh!”

Have you ever had one of those days?  I have.

 

"Uh-oh!"

“Uh-oh!”

photo credit: Thomas Hawk via photopin cc

Nov 062012
 

The other day my daughter, Lyla, and I were at Starbucks fueling my caffeine and sugar addictions, when suddenly Lyla starts pointing out the window and saying, “Mama! Mama!” She was so excited, but for the life of me I could not figure out what she was pointing at. She’s only 18 months old, so often our communication is akin to platform flip-flops: confusing at best.

First I tried the “What do you see out there?” tactic. Airplane? – No.  Doggie? – No. Homeless person pushing a shopping cart that you think has a baby inside? – No, No, No!  So I switched tactics.  Perhaps she is wondering where her dad is.  Sometimes she gets our names confused. And in her defense, I had just finished working out and was sweaty and more than a little manly looking. So I said, “No honey, Mama is right here.  Papi is at work, but we will see him later tonight.”  She looked at me like I was an idiot (is it possible to be embarrassed in front of your one-year-old?) and began pointing even more emphatically out the window. “Mama! Mama!”

Lyla was starting to get frustrated, and I was starting to get desperate.  So I picked her up and walked to the window saying, “Show me what you are talking about, honey.” But when we got to the window, instead of pointing outside, she began pointing to the Starbucks logo on the window.  “Mama!” she said with a smile.  For a moment I looked between the logo and my daughter in pure puzzlement.  Yes, I do drink enough coffee for her to equate me with the beverage, however, usually it is not from Starbucks.  “Mama!”  she said again, pointing at the logo then stroking my hair.  I had never really looked at the logo before, so I studied it for a minute.  Suddenly it hit me, she thinks the logo is a picture of me.  So I said, “Oh!  This looks like me?  This looks like mama?”  And she smiled like the sun and said, “Yeah!” so happy that I had finally stopped being a total idiot and understood what she was trying to tell me.

It’s actually not a bad compliment.  The Starbucks logo is based on a 16th century Norse woodcut of a mermaid or Siren to go with Seattle’s nautical roots.  (I looked this up, I don’t actually know this much useless Starbucks information.  Just other kinds of useless information.)  Starbucks chick is kind of a babe. This is solid proof that to your children, you are the most beautiful woman in the world.  So I was happy. However, I think my daughter will be sorely disappointed that I am not actually Mrs. Starbucks when she is filling out those loan applications for college.  Maybe I will just tell her that I drank away our fortune.

 

Have you ever noticed what a babe the Starbucks chick is?

Does Starbucks owe me image royalties? Or at least free coffee?

Sep 302012
 

My husband has pretty good fashion sense (he is Italian after all) but he is also a dad, and I am pretty sure that before they give you your Daddy license, they have to make sure that you own a pair of Crocs. How else could you explain the prevalence of this hideously ugly rubber footwear among men who are old enough to know better?  Anyway, so Daddy has a pair of Crocs that he wears around the house and to do yard work.  Today, we were outside in the garden, and then decided to take a short walk around the hood.  Halfway down the street my daughter stops in her tracks, points down at daddy’s shoes and says, “UH OH!”  My sentiments exactly, honey.

Just say no to Crocs. It’s for your own safety.

Sep 252012
 

Like the title says… Life is funny.  And I don’t just mean 10,000-forks-when-all-you-need-is-a-knife-isn’t-it-ironic-funny, I mean Gut-busting, Mind-blowing, Pants-Wetting FUNNY.  So go ahead and laugh.  If you can manage to do that, your life will improve 10,000%. I money-back guarantee it.  And if it doesn’t… you know where to find me.

ps.  I don’t have any money

 

**photo credit:  someecards.com

Sep 192012
 

Not to brag… ok, who am I kidding, this is totally bragging… but I have been awarded FOUR different blogging awards.  However, due to circumstances beyond my control… like illnesses, vacations, and – let’s just face it – my own laziness, I have taken a long time to formally recognize most of these.  But make no mistake, it is not because I am not thrilled to have gotten them.  I am honored to have received all of them, not just because it is amazing to me that anyone reads my simple little no-frills blog (although I am working on some frills for you all…more on that to come) but because the nominations came from bloggers who I truly respect.

Awards aside, it is always wonderful to hear from friends, strangers, followers and even some unexpected people how much you enjoy my blog or how a certain post really resonated with you. I  truly relish all of the comments, likes, shares, retweets, and the recounting of your own personal stories and experiences.  At the end of the day, that’s what writing this blog is all about for me:  the connections and the community. Parenting can be an isolating experience sometimes, and this blog is my way of reaching out to all of you – to let you know that you are not alone and to remind myself that I am not alone either.

So keep it coming! If you like or dislike, agree or disagree with something I am writing about, then please tell me. If you know someone who you think might appreciate this blog, then please share it with them.  If I write something that particularly speaks to you, please share it with your own audience.

In the spirit of this amazing blogging community and also partially due to my aforementioned laziness, I have decided to formally recognize the blogging awards I have received by creating an Award of my own.  I am not sure if this is allowed, but this is my blog, hence my world and I make the rules… so by the power vested in me, I now pronounce the importance of a very important award, for better or for worse, and uh for.. ever. I now present:

The Saggy Award for General Awesomeness!

I don’t know who these women are but they are totally Generally Awesome!!

The Saggy Award for General Awesomeness would like to recognize the General Awesomeness of the following blogs:

Mommy On The Go In Holy Toledo Thank you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award

Up With The Chickens Thank you for the Kreative Blogger Award!

Unfinishedbizness Thank you for the Sunshine Blogger Award!

Structure In An Unstructured Life  Thank you for the Reader Appreciation Award!

Totally check out their Generally Awesome Blogs.  Totally.

These blogs are also Generally Awesome in totally different ways:

Edward Hotspur

Plan B-each

Mommy Man:  Adventures of a Gay Superdad

I Simply Am 

One Thousand Single Days

Talkin’ Shit

The rules for this award are simple.

1)  Accept the fact that you are pretty much the bee’s knees aka Totally Fucking Awesome.

2)  Celebrate your Awesomeness in any manner you deem fit (I personally recommend a bottle of Cabernet and a tub of vanilla frosting but to each her own)

3)  If you are so inclined, share this General Awesomeness with your readers and inform them of some other blogs you that find Awesome.  That’s it.

Congrats to all the Awesome people and thank you everyone for reading.

Love,

Her Saggyness (Courtney)

Aug 242012
 

My daughter has a small, silky pink blankie. It’s the first thing she grabs when she wakes up in the morning, and the last thing she holds on to when she goes to bed at night.  She can’t sleep without it. Sometimes it seems as though she can’t breathe without it.  Most kids have some sort of security blanket, stuffed animal or doll.  It is something that makes them feel comfortable and secure. Something that reminds them of home or of their parents or of some unexplainable thing that gives them comfort.  There is nothing wrong with children needing these things.  The problem is that many never grow out of it.  Although most adults don’t carry around a threadbare blankie or filthy teddy bear, they grow up to be even more attached to another type of security blanket…  an Iphone or Blackberry.

Most people I know check their phones first thing in the AM and last thing at night.  They keep it on the table throughout dinner, in their hand during a walk and attached to their ear most other times of the day.  A smart phone gives you the security of knowing that you are linked to the rest of the world.  When you are alone, you have your phone to keep you company.  When you are bored, you have entertainment.  When you are away from the office, you can stay informed.  With an Iphone you are always connected, and there is security in that.  However, by staying connected through your phone, you might be missing the opportunity to create real connections.

Ok, so here’s my soapbox.  You don’t still suck your thumb, do you?  You don’t use a pacifier, sleep with your teddy bear or poo poo in diapers (except for a couple of friends of mine who thought this was a funny idea and who shall remain nameless… for now.) Regardless, you are not a kid anymore so grow up and get rid of  the security blanket already!  Put the phone down.  Just for a few minutes.  See what happens when you take in the world around you instead of burying your nose in your Blackberry the instant you have a free moment.  It’s ok to sit at a coffee shop by yourself and just relax and drink your coffee.  It’s ok to go to on a walk and simply enjoy the sights and sounds of nature (or of smoggy traffic if you live here in LA.)  You might have an interesting conversation with a stranger or even make a new friend.  You might discover how much you enjoy a particular hiking trail, or how much you really love blueberry muffins.  And you can definitely enjoy the park with your children a lot more if you are engaged with them rather than half-ass playing while checking out who “likes” Wal-Mart on Facebook.  And Ps. the world won’t end if you are not on email/Facebook/Twitter for the 20 minutes it takes to have a conversation over dinner.

I am not going to pretend that I don’t use my Iphone as a security blanket myself.  I do it.  I admit it.  If I am sitting alone at a coffee shop, or waiting for a friend at a restaurant, or even (gasp!) dining alone, I spend the entire time absorbed in my Iphone.  Hell, I often pretend to be absorbed in my phone, so people don’t think I am a friendless loser because I am there alone. I once faked an entire conversation with my bestie about what dress she should wear to the gala (yes, I really said the word “gala”) because my phone was totally dead.  But regardless of all evidence to the contrary, I am a grown-up and it is time for me, too, to say, “Screw the security blanket” and sit alone in the coffee shop without the aid of a dead Iphone to keep me pretend company.  I’ll let you know how that goes, and how long I last before grabbing a newspaper to bury my nose in instead.  Baby steps, people.

It’s fine to talk on the phone, to check your email every now and then or to read up on the latest news (or blog, reading my blog is ALWAYS acceptable.) But you don’t need it to fill your time or your life.  I am sure that your life is full enough already.  So focus more on actual connections, and less on the wireless ones. It’s time to rid our lives of these security blankets; these things that we just can’t live without.  Except, of course, for wine… I really CAN’T live without that.