May 092013
 

Ok, I have a confession to make.  A few actually.

In case you didn’t read my last post, I am pregnant with baby number 2.  I am excited about it, of course.  It is what we wanted, and I feel blessed that we were able to get pregnant so easily.  I know it is not always easy.  It is a cruel trick of nature that when your body is most ready to have a baby – at, oh, the tender age of 13 – nothing else in your life is ready for this baby, including you. Although you  probably would share a mutual love of Demi Lovato and pizza-flavored Cheetos with your five-year-old, that alone doesn’t qualify you to raise a child.  However, by the time everything else in your life is finally ready, and your finances, mental state, and career are more secure, your ovaries are often shriveled up like Raisinettes, and your body scoffs at your attempts to conceive. Maybe my body is not quite there yet, but I am not getting any younger either, so I feel very happy to have gotten pregnant. But as happy as I am, the truth – and my confession – is that I am not as excited as I think I should be. To be honest (Ok, cover your tiny ears, Fetus) I don’t really think about the baby all that much.

Sure, I think about it all the time in practical terms. I think about all the things that must be done before the new baby comes. I think about the construction we must do, the endless amounts of crap that we must buy, and all the old gear that we need to haul out of hibernation. I make lists and then check them off.  I go to my doctor appointments and look at the ultrasounds and am relieved to discover that everything is ok. I take my vitamins, eat my fruits and veggies, exercise when I can, and avoid alcohol and caffeine and sushi and  lunch meat and soft cheeses and the long list of everything that I love that I cannot have.  I do my job as this baby’s diligent mother.  Or do I?

I do worry about the well-being of the baby, of course. That is a powerful instinct that I cannot deny. I think about all the things that can go wrong. I both fear and look forward to the tests that will reassure me that the baby is ok (I hope.) But when I think about the future with this baby, instead of daydreaming of his or her face, I find myself thinking more about how it is going to affect the baby that I already have. What does all of this mean for her? Is this really the right thing? Is this new addition really going to add to her life, or is going to take something away from her?  Like me.

Gone are the wonder and magic of the first pregnancy. I no longer read the weekly updates and marvel at the fact that the baby growing inside me is now urinating or that he or she is the size of a Meyer lemon or a navel orange (although this does make me hungry.) We haven’t even thought about names or what the new nursery will look like.  The journal I bought to start writing to the new baby, as I did with my first child, lies untouched.  Every time I sit down to write, I realize that I haven’t nothing yet to say. I really wish I did.

I know it is still early in the pregnancy.  I don’t know the sex yet, nor have I felt much movement other than the slight flutters that may or may not be gas. I am sure that I will connect with this baby at some point, but right now I am finding it hard to connect with this unknown creature when I already have a flesh and bone child that connects back. I distinctly remember feeling a lot more excited at this stage in my first pregnancy.  Writing in her journal, reading every book on the market, marveling at my body’s changes and taking pictures each week of my growing belly.  Now, it feels a bit “Been-there, Done-that.” And I hate it. I hate to think of my child as a been there, done-that. It is not fair. And I know it.

Ok, tiny fetus, you can uncover your ears now.  I do love you and I am excited to meet you.  I guess, like so many relationships, ours just needs a little bit of time to develop.  Good thing we have till October. And then the rest of my life.

 

  9 Responses to “Cover Your Tiny Ears, Fetus”

  1.  

    Stop everything. They have pizza flavored Cheetos?!?
    🙂

  2.  

    I think that was the fetus talking again.

  3.  

    Having never had children, it is hard to comment on the baby stuff. But your first time is ALWAYS more exciting than the following. That’s just human nature. But what I can say, being an only child, is that you are not taking anything away from Lila. You are giving her something great! A brother/sister to bond for life with, someone else for her mother to call everyday when she is 35 yrs old so it’s not always you (cause believe me, I WISH I had a sibling to give me a break every once in a while!), and someone else to share/create great memories with. Other than that, it’s probably just your hormones!

    •  

      That is so nice to hear. I have such a great relationship with my brother and I want that for Lyla too, but I worry that it will be tough on her. I guess, even if it is tough in the beginning, it will be worth it in the long run. Thanks!

  4.  

    We have A LOT of catching up to do, so I am excited to see you soon! Believe me when I say this is totally normal and I am almost certain it happens to every mom. It definitely happened with me. I also felt a little guilty about seeming to not care as much. But you do care, more than you realize right now. And when that beautiful little bundle pops out into the world you will look into those tiny little eyes and your heart will swell and all the love you feel for Lyla will be there for new baby too.
    Will you take less photos, sure. Will you stop with the weekly foot print and journal entry, yep. Will you look back in hindsight and realize you didn’t take a monthly pregnant pic of yourself, or you forgot to buy the newspaper on the day she/he was born. Yes, yes, yes to all those things. Mostly because you already have your hands full with your first baby so all those little indulgences are hard to find time for now. But damn it you LOVE that baby just as much. It’s just different this time, and that’s ok.
    You are less naturally stressed about being pregnant. It’s still cool (if you enjoy pregnancy that is) but it’s not alien territory now. You got this. You don’t need to read the books. You are a pro. This time around you know what you are doing and you are less scared and intimidated which may seem like you care less but it doesn’t. It means you are more confident. You can still enjoy your pregnancy but this time around you don’t have to stress the details.
    Enjoy not having to care too much about this pregnancy. And enjoy this time with Lyla. Soon enough baby 2 will be here and you will care more than you ever could imagine!

    •  

      Thank you so much for your response. It makes me feel a lot better and a tiny bit less guilty. But hey, you are not a mom unless you feel guilty and worried most of the time, right? Looking forward to hearing more about the joys of two!

  5.  

    Congrats!!! I didn’t know you were prego again! Don’t worry…once that presh bebe is born, you will have no probs connecting!

    •  

      Thank you so much!! I have a feeling that it is just like having a kid… you don’t know how amazing it is until you do it.

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